Just in case you were wondering

Just in case you were wondering where I’ve been, I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal, social, and emotional situations. I’m not one to verbalize what may be happening. I guess in a way, you can say, I leave it up to person I come in contact with to understand. By doing so, I have endured unnecessary pain. In other words, I’m an introvert.

However, this is something I’m not proud of. I try to mingle on a daily basis. But when I do it’s with family. That doesn’t count.

The real reason I have not written in a while is the constant pain I have in my joints. Right now, it’s my fingers and hands. For instance, my finger next to the thumb, is having what is called the trigger affect. It gets stuck when I bend it. Straightening it out causes pain. To help it heal, I’ve purchased a finger splint.

I’ve been wearing the splint on and off for the last month. Feeling as if I won’t be able to type or write has triggered some depression and anxiety. I’ve kept those feelings and thoughts to myself. This will probably be the first and last time I speak about it.

Until next time,

I wish you well

What in the world is happening?

April 20th of this year, I had my big toe fused. My doctor removed arthritis and a needle that had been across my toe causing a great deal of pain.

I will not be able to move that toe. It will stay in a straight fixed position.🦶 There is a plate over the bones to keep them in place. Whew! I’m getting through it. In the last 5 months, my mood has been up and down. Why? I had to stay in bed and wear a boot designed to help me not bend my toe or put pressure on it.

I came through some real PTSD episodes. I really didn’t feel like talking, writing, or anything. My dysfunctional family really started doing some things that caused me to think about what’s going on in the world. The world is in total chaos. Hatred fuels most of the disagreements.

Now, people are ready to listen to the mental health community. Ethnicity no longer divides us. I’m glad people are willing to listen, but we have been talking and crying out for centuries.

What in the world is happening?

PTSD

PTSD is a very peculiar disorder. Some days you wake up and you feel like you can conqueror the world and the things that are troubling to you. Some days you’ll wake up and you’re drifting backwards towards that incident.

Everything in your life is effected by PTSD. Smells in the air, changing of the seasons, certain people you see, and places you go can cause a set back. That’s if you let it.

Things you used to enjoy and get pleasure from become byproducts of the past. You distance yourself from friends and family because of harbored thoughts of awkward behaviors in their presence. Feelings of “eyes on me” linger in the air.

Trust? Who? When you don’t trust yourself. At some point, healing becomes your focus. You look at it as a journey and no longer a task you must complete. You need to discover yourself. Atleast the person you are now becoming.

About Yesterday

Vertigo. Feeling off balanced everyday can be quite stressful. This has been happening since October 18th. Usually, the sensation leaves within a few days. Not this time. I’ve scheduled an appt with an ENT doctor. The appointment isn’t until March!

Next, Fibromyalga or chronic pain. I really should say it’s the neuropathy. As I type this, my fingers are numb. I could choose depression, but I don’t have time for that.

I hate being disabled in certain parts of my physical life. I can’t let it control my daily outcomes. I really would like to walk and clear my thoughts. At this time I have arthritis in my feet. Painful. I take it day by day. I don’t let anxiety or depression set into my thoughts or feelings.

Think of being thankful

I always start my day with a prayer. There are so many reasons to be thankful. Most people do not know the meaning of thankful. Most people feel they have nothing to be thankful for. Let me give you a few of my thankful reasons.

I see many homeless people daily. Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. They walk in and out of traffic with signs of who they are and what they need. Most of the time it’s money for food or shelter. Sleep is spent on the sidewalks, bus stop benches, and in the parks. Some are seen pushing grocery store carts with their belongings. Some have taken possession of empty buildings and lots. I’ve even seen them making their homes under bridges. Sometimes I even see them with man’s best friend. Committed to staying loyal to the end.

Thankful. Today I am thankful for shelter from the elements. I am thankful for food, clothing and the warmth of a soft bed. I am thankful that I don’t have to think about where I will live or what will happen to me at night. I’m thankful that my pets live in the safety of my home. I’m thankful I don’t have to look for food for them.

It troubles me how the world thinks this is o.k. How our nation frowns upon misfortune. How can I truly feel thankful when other humans are suffering?

The Case

I’m watching the McMichael case that happened in my hometown of Brunswick,Georgia. At this moment I am watching the trial on Court TV, The Killing of Amhaud Arbery. Travis(the son), is testifying as to why he felt it necessary to follow, get out of his truck and shoot Arbery due to a suspicion of theft.

I am tired 😫 of violence 😪 against any person. Excuse me, I’m having a C-PTSD moment.

About Yesterday

I no longer agree with my old cliché, “It is what it is”. Why? Because it’s not. It is what you make it. That’s what it is.

Since 2007, I’ve struggled with putting my life back together in the most positive and recognizable way. It has not worked out that way. I could never seem to recapture the “old me”. I realized in 2017, I had evolved into a new version of me. A different and stronger me.

A person who no longer needed to relate to my life as a victim. A person who now has knowledge of how to react and interact to or in certain uncomfortable situations. A person who can tell her story in liberty and freedom while being able to relate to others with similar lives.

About Yesterday

I completed the lab work from the appointment on Wednesday. I had to practically beg the assistant to refer me to a Podiatrist and an ENT for the issues I have been enduring. I got it done. Now I will have to wait for the call to schedule an appointment. Tiring.

I spent most of the day with one of my daughters. It was fun. I made it through the fatigue.

In my thoughts, I travel to places I can no longer go. Right now, I’m riding my bike on that winding road in my home town. Being alone with nature feels good as a cool breeze hits my face. The sun is going down, so I stop to take a picture. Got it. Perfect. Smiling to myself, I take a sip of water and mount back up for the homeward stretch.

I’m grateful for some of the memories I have. It is times like this when I need them most.

About Yesterday

Saturday

I woke up at my usual time, 8 a.m. I was still feeling off-balanced. I made my way to the kitchen for coffee. Looking out the window, I saw pieces of the sun through the leaves of a tree. I smiled. God is good.

One of the things I hate about Vertigo is the fatigue. I’m not a lazy person. I exercised, worked all, and I mean all, of my adult life until 2016.

I can relate to you with any type of Arthritis and Fibromyalga. The difficulty comes in doing the things you loved to do. Picking up a piece of paper gets hard. Typing on my phone, journaling, and all the things that make me so happy end up being on my daily chore list. I have to make time for them.

Mentally, I could give up and succumb to it all, but my character will not let me. I don’t give up or give in during the tough times. I find my strength in Christ. Without God, I would have gone under when I first heard or felt the pain. I know God wants me to tell you that you too can make it. You have to find the answers in Him.

I’m not just a little dizzy❣

Getting out of bed, sitting, and even standing still can be difficult for me. I’m not dizzy, it’s called Vertigo!

I have suffered with this for the last 3 years. Recently, for the last 7 days. When someone says vertigo, people usually think of the Alfred Hitchcock movie Vertigo, starring James Stewart. Unfortunately, it’s much more than a movie.

Well, what is Vertigo? Without writing a book, I will attempt to convey to you, what was told to me. There are 2 types. Central Vertigo which is caused by damage to the nervous system and vertical Vertigo (I have) caused by issues in the inner ear.

Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo or BPPV. In our inner ear, we have small calcium crystals called otocoma. The otocoma is normally attached to the urticle, a small sensory organ inside the ear. When the otocoma become detached, it drifts into the ear canal. The ears ability to sense direction and balance becomes impaired resulting in vertigo.

I feel like I’m on a merry-go-round everytime it happens. I even experience vomiting 🤢 , nausea 😵, and anxiety 🙃.

What can I do? See the photo’s below. The content is not mine, but from Pinterest.